This Worst Post In The Universe
November 13th, 2007 by CourtThis post showcases everything awesome that you can do to destroy your chances of getting social media votes, whether it be diggs, sphinns, zooms, or stumbles. If you’re like me, you want your site to be able to hide with little or no exposure to the outside world. The first thing you’re going to want to do to destroy your chances of getting votes is to tell everyone that you’re depressed in the title. Also use bad grammar in the title, as I did. This alone will turn away at least 50% of would be voters. Follow that up by letting them know within the post how terrible your life is. Oh acting like you don’t know anything also is very effective. Then you move on to the next step: write your entire post as one huge block of text as I have done here for you. This ensures that no one can scan it to find out what it’s about. This preys on the short attention span of social media users and is 98.9% effective at keeping them from voting for you. After that, you will want to make sure to not include any graphics whatsoever. A graphic would catch their attention so that’s the last thing you want to do if you’re looking to avoid votes. If you combine one huge block of text with no graphics, you have a great combination that can’t be cracked. You will certainly scare all voters away. You will scare all voters away. You will scare all voters away. That leads me to my next point which is make sure to repeat yourself and add as much extra wording as possible. Boring voters to death with repetitive wording is extremely effective at getting them to close the browser before they finish reading. After you finish writing your post, make sure to go back through it and add as much wording as possible. Do that and you will probably get negative votes which is obviously even better than not getting positive votes. Here’s something that is way better than not getting positive votes: getting negative votes. Oh I just thought of something to avoid in your quest to never get voted for. Make sure to never and I mean never ever use bullet points or sub-headings within your posts. Using bullet points would make the document easier to scan and you want to avoid this at all costs. Using subheadings also makes it easier to scan and you want to stay away from that at all costs. Both of these things make the document easier to scan and you want to avoid that at all costs. Now to take the terribleness to a whole new level you’re going to insert something completely off topic into your post which reminds me of how much it bothers me when people that work in fast food places won’t let me pay before they make the next person’s food. Subway is great at this. My sandwich is all ready to go but wait, the person making the sandwiches has to go back and make another person’s sandwich before they will let me pay for mine. That slows me down and doesn’t speed up the other person – quite effective. See how my subway story added to the terrible awesomeness of this message? It seriously takes your anti-vote-getting methods up 10 more levels. Throw is a story about how your dog keeps running away right in the middle of the post, it seems to work like a champ. Now to finish this off with pop you’re going to wnat to make shure that you don’t run a spell check and defnintely don’t proofread. Voters care about your grammatical correctness and not giving a rats will help you to discourage voting. Discourage voting and you will also discourage sites from linking to you and this will help you to be able to hide from everyone on the internet effectively. Now since I don’t believe in my own ability to pass on the information covered thus far in the lesson I need to go back to how crucial it is that you don’t use images in the post if you want to discourage votes. Now an entirely different arena that can really boost your performance in this area is ads. Lacing your post with at least 3 Google ads will help. Take this tactic to the next level by also installing Kontera and using a couple affiliate banners. Make sure to not disrupt the huge block of text effect becaues thats one of tthe more important parts of this strategy. Now if you’re going to make this work, you’re going to have to ensure that your post doesn’t provide anything of value. Talk about personal stuff that no one knows about and never ever give advice that will be useful for people. If you want to raise it up a notch you can try being totally unoriginal because that works like a champ. Steal a popular blogger’s layout/design because social voters hate this and will probably close the browser as soon as they discover that you’re a thief and unoriginal. Now I can’t stress the following point enough. Never make anything bold. Making stuff stand out will hold people’s attention and that’s obviously a huge no-no. You want them to stare for two seconds at your huge chunk of worthless text and close their browser immediately. Oh, never underline or use italics either because the smae princiaples apply. Don’t link out to anyone and don’t provide any additional resources. This proves that you’re selfish and that you think you know everything. Giving voters resources that will be helpful to them might encourage voting so I want you to avoid that like the black plague. Don’t provide any links to similar stuff you’ve written because that might make people stick around on your site. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever use a quote at the beginning of the post. Stay away from using prominent experts as references. Making your document appear to be valid will get you way to many positive votes and not enough negative ones. Begging people to vote socially for your post can also be a great voting deterrent. Tell them that unless they vote for you your traffic is zero. Make sure it’s clear that you’re not a winner because everyone loves a winner and if they think you’re a winner you won’t be able to hide in your corner of the internet. Make sure it’s clear that you’re not a winner because everyone loves a winner and if they think you’re a winner you won’t be able to hide in your corner of the internet. Repeat yourself unnecessarily. Repeat yourself unnecessarily. Now once you have about this much written up for your post, add a bunch of ridiculous garbage to make the post as long as possible. Maybe you could take an off-topic post from and article directory and add it in. Adding useless rhetoric may be the most powerful method of all. Hopefully this post has inspired you to literary disaster and social awkwardness, I know that it’s done the trick for me.
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November 13th, 2007 at 9:54 pm
Yet strangely, I read every word and it’s one of the best posts that I’ve seen online in quite some time!
November 14th, 2007 at 4:40 am
Same here! Weird how that works…
November 24th, 2007 at 12:05 pm
It\’s very strange that you read it all.
Actually not. The title of the post said it all by using an incorrect grammar. It brought up the attention, and as the level of attention goes up the more likely the reader will try to read everything.
Luckily, I read his \”The worst post in the Universe\” so I don\’t need to read this one, otherwise I may faint.
You guys can check my blog out. The first few posts I made a similar mistakes (but at least I used paragraph and spacing). The latter posts I format better with all elements that help readability.
If you are slow in checking it out I may have reformatted them. Everyday I go back to revise some posts.
Cheers,
Binh
November 13th, 2007 at 9:57 pm
This Worst Post In The Universe
Lol Court lays out the worst post ever. If you want to learn how to write posts that are really bad, I would take a really good look. The title ‘This worst post in the universe’ doesn’t even make sense and Court says that is a very important element…
November 13th, 2007 at 10:18 pm
I can’t stop laughing!
I tried so hard to read every word, but the sentences became a blur 3/4 of the way down. This is not only hysterical but so true!
Please don’t make me go back and try to read it again, please?!
November 13th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
Aaaargh! I have a headache.
But it’s a good reminder of what not to do.
Now I am off to put my magnifying glass away…..
November 13th, 2007 at 10:26 pm
[...] Courtney Tuttle wrote a funny post today about how not to write a blog post. A lot of his points focused on readability online. [...]
November 13th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Hi Court. Very creative article I have to say. I had a hard time reading the whole text… got blurry quickly.
November 13th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
Back away slowly from the computer…….
I see at least 5 blog posts like this a day. Horrendous on the eyes. A good majority of them are scrapers.
November 13th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
You forgot to throw in 4 AdSense ads (usually with hurray I just got accepted message), 4 banner ads, and 10 affiliate links.
Like I did in my first posts.
November 13th, 2007 at 10:53 pm
And one large skyscraper adsense ad to the right of the page that breaks the theme
November 13th, 2007 at 11:07 pm
Lol I knew it was missing something.
I should have put double Adsense 300×250 banners at the top to push the content down 10 inches.
November 13th, 2007 at 11:27 pm
I can’t believe I finished the whole thing.
You should set this up like some restaurants do. If you can finish reading the whole post, you win a prize.
I was a little disappointed not to see one of those annoying talking smiley ads though, man I hate those.
November 13th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Court, this is absolutely fantastic.
By far one of the most well thought out articles I’ve read for quite some time, and put together wonderfully. I NEVER would have thought of doing something like this to get a point across. You’re simply brilliant.
Bravo, Court. Bravo.
*gives the end-of-the-most-important-scene-of-the-movie-slow-clap*
November 13th, 2007 at 11:44 pm
Hehe,
Hilarious Court, you forgot the pop up/under too.
November 14th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
Pop ups forgot the pop ups!
November 13th, 2007 at 11:46 pm
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November 13th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Wow … this was the hardest post I’ve read in a long time.
You’re right on the money, though. When I visit blogs that follow the methods you’ve outlined, I tend to hit the “back” button pretty quick.
Me thinks the blogosphere will now be hit with a multitude of “Worst in the Universe” articles…
November 14th, 2007 at 1:31 am
Didnt finish it , but I suppose that makes your point, but it did make me go back and check my stuff, lol, good job Court, go BZ
November 14th, 2007 at 2:42 am
I read through the first 2 sentence and my eyes went crazy so i stopped and left.I realised then i should come back for more and i came back.
Read the first 2 lines, left and came back. As i read over and over the 2 sentence.
I thought that was what i need to know about the whole entire post.
November 14th, 2007 at 3:05 am
Hi Court
You proved your own theory of “this post showcases everything awesome that you can do to destroy your chances of getting social media votes…” wrong by getting zoomed real good!
Honestly, I didn’t finish reading the post. I don’t need to, your point was firmly brought across.
Nicely done!
November 14th, 2007 at 4:11 am
nicely done Court!
November 14th, 2007 at 5:28 am
Court, cute post! I was determined to read it all, but I couldn’t. I stopped after your subway story.
November 14th, 2007 at 5:55 am
That’s funny post!!
But I read it and I can, it needs effort to read it.
November 14th, 2007 at 5:55 am
Dang it, Court. I’m sure it’s a great post, but I couldn’t make it past the first third. My eyes started hurting.
Maybe your next post can be the perfect post, or maybe you can take this same post here and lay it out in the perfect way. At least then I’ll be able to read it.
November 14th, 2007 at 5:59 am
Court,
Nice writeup and thanks for the headache! Just kidding about the headache.
I agree completely with you, any chance of getting this written the correct way to help show the difference?
O yea, I gots a huked on foniks if ya wanna borow it.
November 14th, 2007 at 6:48 am
Wow! That was brutal!
I couldn’t even read the entire article without selecting blocks of text with the mouse. Even then it was tough keeping up with the repetition.
I’ve noticed this happening unintentionally when people insert Adsense blocks into a post. Often, the text doesn’t wrap properly and the line breaks disappear, causing the first few paragraphs to run together.
November 14th, 2007 at 6:50 am
Wait…you weren’t being serious…? But, this is just like most of the other posts I’ve read lately… What’s so funny? What are you guys laughing at? What’s going on here?
November 14th, 2007 at 7:54 am
[...] an excellent blog post about what to do to drive visitors away from your blog. It is titled “the worst post in the universe” and justly [...]
November 14th, 2007 at 9:14 am
[...] obviously well thought out. Take today’s post for example, who would have thought to write a blog post in the worst possible way to show how not to write a blog [...]
November 14th, 2007 at 9:27 am
When I first saw this – I was like what the heck – this is awful. Then I reread the title “the worst post in the universe” and you are correct it is the worst. Unless of course you started advertising pharmacy sites in the middle of it… then it might be worse…
November 14th, 2007 at 9:50 am
This was actually a good post because it got your point across.
I actually like stream of consciousness blogging… probably an offshoot from my fascination with James Joyce, whose Ulysses had 43 pages of text with no paragraph breaks or punctuation.
November 14th, 2007 at 10:04 am
Very difficult to read, lol. Nice tips
November 14th, 2007 at 10:06 am
yep, got about a quarter of the way in and just gave up and started reading the comments. Kudos to you
November 14th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Great post as always Court! Now excuse me – I need some Excedrin
November 14th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
F’ing Brilliant. The only thing you might ad is some real obnoxious music that plays at full volume once the page loads.
November 14th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
I couldn’t read any further than the 8th line. It proves your point though, I suppose!
November 14th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
worst post indeed. i saw the first line … eyes glanced over the rest of the words bunched together … read the last 3 words and the first comment.
November 14th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
This is a brilliant post that, while it does everything wrong, still works.
And it’ll probably bring in a ton of traffic.
Hopefully people will learn from it.
November 14th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Excellent way to make your point. I got through the first three lines but it’s too hard to read. Maybe you can make a “Best Post In The Universe” to compare it to.
November 14th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
[...] somewhere in the post) that you should NOT do. You deserve a reward if you can even get through This Worst Post In The Universe. When you ask others for a blog review, take note of several of the points that are made here. [...]
November 14th, 2007 at 6:01 pm
OMG dude! I couldn’t get past the first couple of sentences!
Hilarious post though…so true.
November 14th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Thanks for the laugh.
I thought the “Tags:no_tags_because_those_would_be_too_useful” was a nice touch.
I think I’ll be forwarding this to a number of clients!
November 14th, 2007 at 7:24 pm
[...] for readers of our blog – if you haven’t already read this post by Courtney Tuttle, “This Worst Post In The Universe“, it is a must [...]
November 14th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
Freaking hilarious…I didn’t even finish because I can’t stand blocks of text like that, but I am still laughing as I type this. Great job.
November 15th, 2007 at 1:47 am
Wow, that is very difficult to read. Made my eyes hurt. I am probably even guilty of doing that especially when I first started out.
Beautifully illustrative of all the things we should not do. A great way to convey a lesson to all concerned.
Now I need to go rest my eyes for awhile.
Nick
November 15th, 2007 at 1:51 am
[...] one is for all of you that gave up after two sentences while reading ‘This Worst Post In The Universe‘. This post still showcases everything awesome that you can do to destroy your chances of [...]
November 15th, 2007 at 4:48 am
i felt like a search engine crawlers. it is bored but still have to crawl it.
November 15th, 2007 at 4:56 am
Wow, your post looks exactly like I feel in this moment, when I’ve just seen that Google decided to award my blog a glorious PR 0. At least now I know that I can sell as many links as I want
November 15th, 2007 at 7:00 am
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November 15th, 2007 at 8:53 am
Oh, who cares? LOL
Who died and made you the blog police anyway?
November 15th, 2007 at 10:01 am
LOL – couldn’t have driven the point home any better!
November 15th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
ah! my eyes hurt. i couldn’t even finish this. the first half was good and funny though.
now if you could only post an alternate version that is easy to read = ) please…
November 15th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
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November 15th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
[...] gives me a severe headache with his example of the worst blog post in the universe. Thankfully, we also got to see the impure [...]
November 15th, 2007 at 9:35 pm
lol. wtg.
btw – imho u S/B using more slang and write in only lowercase
November 15th, 2007 at 10:38 pm
And that’s all to it? I just warmed up lol
November 15th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
I spent more than normal time reading the post. But it’s worth reading.
November 16th, 2007 at 7:19 pm
[...] Post In The Universe“. That’s the readable version. He achieved his objective with the original version. Congratulations [...]
November 16th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
[...] This Worst Post In the Universe from Courtney Tuttle. [...]
November 17th, 2007 at 1:11 am
aww.. my eyes…
good content in a bad format I think
November 18th, 2007 at 3:10 am
Looks like your “worse post” backfired.
November 27th, 2007 at 6:48 am
No way i would read this post
December 10th, 2007 at 11:05 pm
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May 27th, 2008 at 2:41 am
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October 4th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I actually did read through this whole thing and the only thing I think it is missing is that you use at least 20 social bookmarking buttons all over your post with links that go directly to the homepage of those sites rather than having them point towards submitting your post.
November 28th, 2008 at 7:42 am
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May 9th, 2009 at 7:39 am
i get it haha
January 20th, 2010 at 1:44 pm
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May 27th, 2010 at 4:30 am
What a great post – made me laugh my ass off.
May 5th, 2011 at 1:41 pm
cracked tools…
cracked tools, cracked tools and more cracked tools you have to see…
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